Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
