nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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