so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
