Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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