The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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