dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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