Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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