I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
