There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
