Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You're like the curious george of whores
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
