you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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