I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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