Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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