Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
