recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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