is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize