suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize