oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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