Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
