he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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