Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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