He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
