I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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