He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
