Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
