saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wish there were birth control emojis
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
