Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
