she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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