My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
