Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize