I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
