i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
