I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
