she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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