if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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