oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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