I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize