I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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