Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
