i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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