i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
