yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize