sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize