OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
