I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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