it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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