i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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