I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Someone shattered a urinal.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize