New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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