I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
