You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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