sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize