The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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