his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
