Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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