you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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