she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
