I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
