He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
