I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
