yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
