Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
