OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
