talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
