Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
