What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I am spending my child support on dildos
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
