No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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