Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
