One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
