There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize